The Gaslight Effect

I’m not sure how I got this book in the first place. We hadn’t been married two months and shit had hit the fan. I felt like I had made the biggest mistake in my life marrying this person…it was the biggest mistake I made… A lot of my thinking had to do with the 12 steps and I began to look at what my role in everything was. I happened upon this book and read it.

I saw a lot of me and my mom in the book. I would not call my mom the classic narcissist as I have seen her change and evolve. A narcissist can’t and won’t try. Well, as I read the book I saw my relationship with my mom. I also recognize that I am my mom. We are so similar, one reason for tension in our relationship. Seeing that I could see how I could do that to my wife. I didn’t want that at all. I worked very hard to not do it to her.

In working to not do it, I lost the name of the dynamic, yet always felt it. I worked so hard to work through those feelings. In turn, instead of gas lighting, I became the gaslightee. 

Recognizing that my mom is not narcissistic doesn’t mean she didn’t gaslight me. I have some questions about the narcissist…Does the narcissist know what they are doing? Can they stop themselves? Do the care that they are doing it? What would motivate the narcissist to change? Will I be the last?

For me the damage goes so deep. I have layers from deep in childhood to repair. As I go deeper I wonder if I will ever trust myself. Will I always question my reality? Have I ever been capable?

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