Before the year had started it was wretched, 2015/2016. We still shared a bed and slept next to each other . I, the whole time knowing that it wouldn’t last. I then began to steel my nerves and slow the tap on my feelings. I slowly peeled myself away from her. I pulled way back. Emotionally, I had been gone. I had to in order to stay with her. There was a practicality to it. Co-dependency really. It was sick for a while and I knew it and I needed it to get better. I stayed because of the ring. Eventually, I took the ring off and set off to find happiness. At each benchmark there was more and more and more sadness. I know her ego and she was hellbent to go down this road. The dating of the paperwork is questionable. If they were to go from the date I had her served then her response came in too late for the default date…we will not pursue this, well, maybe. Secretly, I hope that a clerk finds an error. I’m still reeling from the reality of it all. The year was simply been a hot mess.
The to add to the worst of the year was the continual loss of admirable people. There were some important icons of my lifetime who left us. I don’t need to list the losses we’ve all experienced. It will always be too soon to pass beyond the sadness. What does it remark about ourselves and our understanding of existence and it’s limited time?…What does it say about the enormity of the world and the tiny insignificance of our self? When you have so many of your universe pass away it makes you wonder about your own place, your own mortality. We have certain gods and when they fall a piece of us breaks or chips off also. One question I have, How do we cope with the world without the voices that once cheered us on, got us hip to the truth, or raged against the machine? How are we going to cope with the state of affairs as they are? It is the worst kind of reality show I never volunteered to be on. All I can do is commiserate with the teachers in the teacher’s room. That alone can be exhausting.
I deeply knew it was possible. Just the way everyone was scoffing at his running for President. ‘How absurd?!’ Indeed, it was an absurd, thought as absurd as we all watched Hillary Clinton and the National Democratic Party destroy democracy and destroy Bernie Sanders and any chance of real change, soon or now. I am not disappointed in America. Bottom line is that the lack of education is destroying this country. It’s the science, technology, music, history and critical thinking. We are so willing to be told lies and seek no way to second guess or challenge the status quo. They don’t even know what the status quo even is. There is no reason for citizens to not be aware of the living conditions of everyone in this country. Think of the children…even rich little children would question why another little child is hungry. I’m scared for this country. I’m scared to live in this country. With a lot of other things I am scared of I am making moves to free myself.
Of course, it was a large step for me to finally walk out of that ridiculously failing co-dependency. I consciously put thought into that marriage on a daily basis, yet I just didn’t feel like me. With the door closed before the process really began I was coming to terms with the change, the pain in not having what I wanted, while she got what she wanted. If ever there was a time I was lacking she would tell me and it was nothing I couldn’t change if I loved her. The sadness was a heavy feeling. I had to let it go. At first I was alone, frightened. I continue grow but my pockets don’t. The reality of splitting a house hits first in your pockets. Then it hits you as you go through your everyday. You see what they actually did or didn’t do in your life. I know my next destination and goals to achieve from now. I need to go to Vietnam with a cushion. Now my pockets ride shallow and I need them to ride deep.
To liberate myself from Karla has taken some direct mental coping skills. I have of late been able to redirect my feelings about everything surrounding our issues, yet, not able to stop the subconscious effects. I’m allowing myself to feel every feeling. My mom doesn’t like my posting it on FB but, whatever. Once I got into me, I began to move forward and catch steam. My money keeps moving too. Due to her being her I decided to do what I want. It has cost me some money, but I hope to regain something. It’s not ALL about the money.
The most important thing is to work on being normal. ‘Free’ from Ultra Nate has been on high rotation on Pandora and it is reminding me each time that I am who I am and I can feel for myself in a sense that I am deserving. Of course the song also takes me back to almost 20 years ago, when I first arrived in The City of SF. I was able to move through a difficult time during the 2016 holidays. I just could have lost it you know, but I survived. I have lived through each major holiday without her and I think I have simply moved on. Actually, as I move into 2017 I still harbor a lot of anger when I I think about the lost 12 years of my life. I’m angry thinking about the children I could’ve been raising. The range of emotions can be overwhelming. It goes from no feelings then anger…no in between, then sadness.
I’m not sure if it’s appropriate to have expectations, feelings, or even dreams of or for 2017. I want it to be a blank piece of paper, tabular rasa, that I can control the story. I want to write a piece of literature to represent the notions, feelings and philosophies of thought of now man. If I set a goal I fear it will set a mental limit and prevent me from reaching the goal…How do I assess those feelings? Do I try to diagnose myself, subscribe to the notion that it is all me and pain can bring pleasure. Some weird shit my stoney brother thought up. Should I look for another comfort zone that isn’t really that comfortable?
It feels awkward. I’m not sure about dating. I do like the idea of kicking it with someone. I hope that means sharing some affection, cuddles or even hand holding. It could be buddy/buddy but then again I do need someone to touch me. I don’t need sex. Spooning would be nice. There is someone. She is nice to joke with. Easy to talk to. She can be negative in texts and I think that is a safe distance where I don’t need to look desperate to get her attention or make her feel better. There is a little affection as she has checked in with me.
Everyday I am living more and more free. For other people to understand my feelings and decisions are freeing. When someone can relate to me I feel at ease. When I wake up on my own…when I hit snooze three times…all the production to make ease for another who had no intention in your ease in the first place. A continued growth in myself but now I am free to choose from my own influence.
MY OWN INFLUENCE.
MY OWN INFLUENCE.
MY OWN INFLUENCE.