Trying to maintain

It’s been just over three months since I moved out of the apartment I shared with my wife. It has been an eye opening experience. Now, I do want to start off saying that it is not my intention to demonize my ex-wife. I am astounded though at the realization of the short comings of my former intimate partner. Can you imagine what it feels like to learn that they didn’t love you in the first place? Maybe they don’t know what love means for me or even themselves. Honestly though, isn’t there a thought to trying to figure it out and what that means with your partner to make things better, but you don’t believe you have to…again, shock. I’ve talk to family and friends and I’m not wrong. It’s also not my intention to spout off at how right I am at what love tends to look like, but people in general tend to agree with me.

Why did we get married? I think she agreed because she knew I loved her so much. Who wouldn’t enjoy being loved by someone. At what point though do you ask yourself when the partner is going to figure it all out, how it was a sham. What a waste of time. And at this statement is when people claim it’s never a waste. No, it was a waste. To be with a person who refuses to learn any lessons, be challenged to do better or even apologize for doing something wrong…it was a waste of time. There were so many things I wanted and gave up for love. Would it be fair to say I can never forgive her for this. What a fucking fool she must have thought I was to be able to be manipulated as I was in the relationship.

What drew this emotion out today was that I had a chance to swallow everything that has been happening and what I accomplished over the weekend. It has never been a secret for me at how I had great disdain for my brother. We never really connected and I have done a lot of pushing away, but there has been of standing back on his part. Well, there has been break throughs. One, I chose to spend time with him. I stayed at his place, slept on a pallet on the floor. It was simple for accommodations, but I didn’t need much. I just wanted to be near him. I also used the drive for some thinking space. The drive was horrible up and down. But the time I spent with him was priceless for me.

I had the opportunity to talk a little bit about the situation. The annoying thing is when people want to flood you with their image of what happened or different aspects. I guess that instead of offering some advice or speculation or even life experience you have to just shut up and talk about specifics. I didn’t leave feeling like they thought I didn’t think things through, I just wanted them to stay on point. One tends to focus on herself and the other wants to illuminate you on the expansion of thought and the different levels of existence for such though. It was good to talk it out and have them see my point of view. It has been my goal to not go into specifics of the relationship, but if I can read through a pile of journals and find the same point of issue throughout then I know that I need to make some decision. Why am I allowing myself to feel and be treated this way?

I want to forget her face. I want to forget her hurtful words. I long for the time when I can do things without a pang of wanting to share the experience. I need to embrace all the experiences now. This is MY life. I tried to share my life, but it was controlled and manipulated in such a way that I feel shameful to even admit it. My excuse is that I was in love…and you know what, it’s a great excuse. I see what it is, I was shown and grew up with it…See that’s another thing. I regret the decision to marry. I just didn’t take it seriously enough. Asking the questions about children. Questions about retirement, the ideas of how to take care of families and how do you express love. I see how my brother and his wife handle things in such a normal way, discuss it, fight it out maybe, but in the end they come together on it. I mean I totally remember how I just didn’t stand up to her to avoid conflict.

One of the things I am doing is making selfie videos and showing the emotion. I hope to watch them later. I don’t know if I would actually show them. I mean who wants to watch a man cry about some woman who never loved him.

I am trying to be a better man about it, but I have a lot of hateful things I want to say. I want to say words to shock her into reality, but I do remember her never being phased by things and just doing her own thing, being in her protective shell. Here I spent time being vulnerable and honest with feelings with someone who could never appreciate it. Sometimes I just think, “WOW”. She really didn’t get it. Again, I have so much I can say. I could tear her apart. The character flaws…all of it. I could be self righteous about it all. I know I’m not all that, but at the same time I AM. What someone has the whole package but the lack of love then all else doesn’t matter. Not to me.



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